Job Update

A roller coaster ride - that is how I would describe my last 5 1/2 years as an IBM temp. The uncertainty followed by security followed by uncertainty again. My manager says that I am working under an "evergreen" contract, which means that it goes on and on until someone decides to cut it off. Well, the cut off time has come because temps are not allowed to stay as long as I have lasted in this job. My manager tried to get me hired permanently, but the request was denied. Then he tried to find an outside company to out-source my position, which means I would do the same job for IBM, but I would be employed by a different company. Now we are back to trying to get approval to hire me.

This process has created contradictory thoughts in my mind. I go back and forth between wanting to end my time in this job and wanting a fresh start. Have I always been an indecisive person? Why don't I know what I want? I remind myself that I have a great job that I do well. I help bring in millions of dollars to IBM. I fix problems and make customers happy. But in the back of my mind, I still wonder if this is really where I want to spend my energy.

I read a magazine article that suggested you look back at your childhood and think about what you wanted to be when you grew up. When I was a child, I wanted to be a teacher. In college, I was into the arts, specifically radio and theatre. But I never had any vision about where it would take me. It was just fun. Rob says I am good with numbers and he thinks I should get an accounting degree and become a CPA. He says he needs a good tax person for his future business. After Rob's dad died, we talked about driving around the country to sell his dad's photographs in various art galleries. We would start a company named after his dad. Ten years ago I told Rob that I wanted to sell our house, buy an RV and spend a year on the road. I suppose we could still do that since home schooling is an option now. Oh, I'm getting totally off track...

I know I am not alone in this struggle. How many people do you know who are asking themselves the same questions? Do we really know ourselves, or are we living the life we are "supposed" to live, the life our parents created for us? How much does our upbringing dictate who we are as adults? I don't have all the answers. I just have a lot of questions right now.